Hollywood's Most Under Appreciated Leading Man

Initially, I was going to write this blog post on hollywoods most recent crack at the super-hero genre, Kick Ass. However, two weeks after it's April 16th release date, I'm pretty sure you're all very much aware of the fact that it is indeed, kick ass. If you're on the fence about seeing it, go see it. It's awesome. If you don't want to go see it, then don't.

I've got bigger fish to fry today.

As the credits rolled to the otherwise very enjoyable movie, I came to an unsettling realization. The vast majority of the movie going public question the prowess of Nicolas Cage.

Now I'm all for people having their own "opinions." I'm hip, I get that we're all different. I understand the fact that just because I like ice cream sandwiches, doesn't mean that everyone likes ice cream sandwiches. But seriously, who the fuck doesn't like ice cream sandwiches?

A couple weeks ago an idiot, who I am currently considering slowly pushing out of my life, said to me, "You think Nicolas Cage is a good actor? I should smack you."

I didn't respond. I smacked him first.

Now before you throw me up on the cross, let me just be clear. I think Nicolas Cage is a great actor. (emphasis on great) Keep your Johnny Depp's and your Sean Penn's. I'll take me some Nick Cage over them any day. The fundamental problem with Nick, and the reason why he is so universally unappreciated, is because Nick Cage has the habit of starring in some AWFUL flicks.

St. Nick acts in two types of movies. On one hand you have your "Nicolas Cage Movies." These movies are not very good. On the other hand you have your "Movies With Nicolas Cage." These movies are generally amazing. His performance hinges on which category the movie falls under.

It's easy to distinguish between the two before ever stepping foot in the theater.

A Nicolas Cage Movie



A Movie With Nicolas Cage



Are we all on the same page? Good.

Now to guide you on your journey to salvation, I've compiled a small list of movies that fall under each category. This is not a list of every movie the man has ever done, just a beginners guide. I'm on a schedule here.

Nicolas Cage Movies:
Snake Eyes
Con Air*
Gone in Sixty Seconds
National Treasure series
Ghost Rider
Next
Bankok Dangerous
Knowing

*I still love Con Air

Movies With Nicolas Cage:
The Rock
Adaptation
Weather Man
Leaving Las Vegas
Lord of War
Raising Arizona
Family Man*
Matchstick Men
Kick-Ass


*C'mon it was heartwarming

Cage haters, educate yourselves.

Perseguido

Earlier in the year my good friend shot a silent short film for a school project. Now, here in the present day, I think you should check it out. It's called Perseguido, which is spanish for "my sisters hot friend," and was nominated for best original short at this years Academy Awards. Also, I made up 2/3 of that last sentence. Thanks amigos, strength and honor.

Perseguido from Juan Cilento on Vimeo.

Clash of the Titans

When I watch a movie, I don't go into the theater expecting anything other than what the movie claims to be. If it's shooting for greatness, I expect greatness, and anything less than that is a let down. On the other hand, if it's intended to be a popcorn flick, chock full of CGI and adrenaline-spiking action scenes, I can sure as hell get behind that.

If you don't know which category Clash of the Titans was aiming for, feel free to take a break from this review and check out the trailer, which for the record is totally badass. Unfortunately, the film itself is not. *gasp*

No, seriously, it's not.

Let me break down to you the basic premise behind Clash of the Titans.

Our hero, Perseus (Sam Worthington), basically has four people in his life. His dad, his mom, his little sister and a pretty woman portrayed by Gemma Arterton, who secretly follows him around his entire life. She is also cursed by the gods and unable to grow old, which sounds pretty sweet, but she assures us it's awful. In addition to this, his family has no blood relation to him, seeing as they found him in a chest in the middle of the ocean when he was a baby. (cool eh?) Despite how generally bleak this sounds, Perseus is as happy as a clam with the way things are. He lives on a small boat with his foster family, catches a couple fish now and then, has the occasional chest pain every time there's a lightening storm, and spends most of his nights gazing off into the night sky while his foster family take up all the room on what appears to be the only bed. He's living the good life.

Unfortunately, the rest of the world starts to catch an attitude with the gods, and everything goes to shit. Hades (Ralph Fiennes) goes all medieval on Perseus' boat one day, sinking it and killing everyone on board, 'cept Perseus of course. Long story short, he finds out he's in fact the demigod son of Zeus (Liam Neeson), and vows to go on a warpath against the Gods to avenge his fallen family.

And just when everything normally starts becoming awesome, in the realm of action-adventure flicks at least, it doesn't.

Perseus refuses to accept his destiny as a demigod (wah wah wah) and basically spends the majority of the movie getting bailed out of sticky situations by his rag-tag group of warriors, who have deemed him their last hope in the struggle against the gods.

Eventually, after witnessing the very timely demise of Gemma Arterton's character, he gets his shit together, puts his big boy pants on, and starts kicking ass. He takes down a couple baddies, saves a princess, rides a flying horse; ya know, the usual. But in the end it all seems rather pointless. Nothing really gets solved, in fact, nothing really happens at all after the first 20 minutes of plot. The movie ends the same way it began. It takes us on a two hour journey just to leave us at the status-quo. The gods still own the humans, Hades still roams the underworld with a limp, and Perseus still has no family.

But wait.

In the very last scene, just before the credits roll, Zeus feels the need to reward his bastard son. "I can't have you living down here all alone," he triumphantly roars, "after all, you are the son of Zeus!"

Finally, some resolution. His journey wasn't for naught. The god of all gods is gonna give Perseus his family back!

Nope.

Utilizing his mighty power, Zeus decides to bring back from the grave, none other than, Gemma Arterton. That's right folks, the very same Gemma Arterton whose character's sole problem in life, was her inability to grow old and die. The very same Gemma Arterton whose character directly interacted with our hero for a grand total of three or four days. Happy endings are for suckers, it's the thought that counts. Fuck Darth Vader, Zeus is officially the worst biological father in the history of American Cinema.

Pointless story, cringe-worthy script, poor CGI and inexplicable lack of character development aside, the movie still doesn't deliver. The action scenes are truly, and I sincerely mean this, boring. The big bad Kraken, aka probably the biggest selling point to the movie, has about 6 minutes of screen time, and is defeated by a severed head without much of a fuss. Demigods be damned, I could have done this shit myself.

I know this review ended up sounding like a book report. On the bright side, at least it was free. I can't say the same for your movie ticket.

Final Verdict - 5/10